They decide to take a road trip to Mexico to find an evil expert in Species biology who just might be able to save her. Unfortunately for the adopted Species monster, it seems her life span only lets her live to about 22 human years or so.
#SPLATTER BEACH SAVE FULL#
They like to nurture them into their full hot blonde maturity.
Mad scientists can sometimes get attached to their evil experiments. Her creator kept the truth from her all of these years in an effort to make sure he had his hot blonde “niece” with him at all times. SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 shambling sea creaturesĪ beautiful blonde has a problem. If that’s gone too, “Splatter Beach” might be able to tide you over until a good sea monster flick is available. Come to think of it, is there another kind of B-movie fan? If you’re in dire need of a sea monster fix, rent “Humanoids from the Deep”. “Splatter Beach” is for the undiscriminating B-movie fan. “Splatter Beach” is only about an hour long so it doesn’t have enough time to really grind your bones into dust. At least the Polonia brothers admitted that “Splatter Beach” could cause hysterical blindness to whoever is doomed to watch it. It’s hard to take the hammer to this one although it certainly deserves it. In fact, it was so good that I had to hit rewind and watch it a couple of times. Erika Smith does have a brief topless scene and that’s always good to see. The weightlifter on the beach had me laughing with his clueless banter with the main dork. It plays out as cheaply and incompetently as you’d expect but it does have some amusing moments.
#SPLATTER BEACH SAVE MOVIE#
Well, “Splatter Beach” is obviously a bad movie but I can’t say I hated it. But with the help of the reporter dork and some random weightlifter on the beach, they just might live through the night. She doesn’t have any lesbian sex so no one is really interested in her. Misty Mundae shows up to try to convince the naïve fools that there are monsters roaming about. He’s certain that there are shambling sea creatures out there that want to eat everyone. The other dork decides he wants to get to the bottom of all these local disappearances. One guy takes the wise path and has sex with Erika. Erika Smith and two guys end up at a cabin for some rest and relaxation. “Splatter Beach” is about the Polonia brothers trying their hardest to rip off “Humanoids from the Deep” and other sea monster flicks. They’ve crawled up from the depths of the ocean to wreck havoc on my DVD player again. Yes, I’m talking about the Polonia brothers and their shamelessly cheap moviemaking ways. Then I saw the director’s names and I started to succumb to that feeling of nameless B-movie dread that makes your soul cringe. I ignored their warning and pressed on to see what thrills awaited me at “Splatter Beach”. A warning scrolls by at the beginning of the movie telling you that no living thing should watch this movie. “Splatter Beach” warns you up front that you will suffer. It throws in the blood, guts, scares and undead lesbians into the mix to delight the B-movie fans.
“Return to House on Haunted Hill” is a slick, no nonsense exercise in genre filmmaking. However, it is nice to watch a straight to video flick that was made with at least some degree of professionalism.
The story moves from point A to point B with few surprises. “Return to House on Haunted Hill” is a straight ahead, mainstream B-flick. The statue may hold the key to surviving their night with the living dead. As they make their way through the abandoned asylum, the ghosts take offense to their presence and proceed to dispatch them in the most gruesome way possible. The professor wants to save it and the thieves want to sell it. It’s important, thought-provoking scenes like this which bring me back to B-movies time and time again.Ī disparate assortment of characters get drawn into the house on haunted hill by promises of an evil statue worth millions. She just gives in to their warm, deadly Sapphic embrace. She never bothers to question why these ghostly women are all over her. In one sequence in “Return to House on Haunted Hill”, one of the conniving thieves, (who just happens to be a hot babe), gets seduced by two ghoulish lesbians.